Loss and Healing for Families
Our family recently experienced the sudden loss of a beloved cousin and friend.
My cousin, Shanna, was one of the sweetest, kindest, and most loving people I have ever met. She touched the lives of so many and her husband and their two young sons, ages 4 months old and 12 years old are being loved and supported by a strong community.
So what does a mother who happens to be a pediatrician do when things like this happen?
I tap into community and spend time with family. Ritual, community, and healing are vital to healing.
I phone a friend and seek out therapy. I reached out to dear friends, one of whom works in the Intensive Care Unit of a major medical center. They connected me to a Child and Family Psychologist who works in grief and loss who practices in their state. She offered for the family to call or text her on her business line and she would help find resources in their community.
I use age-appropriate language to explain things to my 11 year old and to coach my cousin’s husband. When my son asked what happened, I explained that “our cousin died. Her heart stopped working.” When he asked more questions, I used simple language and answer follow up questions. When asked “what happens to people when they die?” I shared that many people around the world have different ideas and that no one really knows. We then talked about some of the most common ideas such as going to heaven, being reincarnated, or becoming something else (these were his thoughts and I just listened and supported him). When he says “this is terrible”, I agree and we talk about how life is unfair and tragic sometimes but it is also beautiful and inspiring lots of the time.
I provide lots of hugs and physical support to my son and my 12 year old cousin. Hugs. Firm and comforting squeezes of the arm. If they reached out for a hug, I kept hugging until they let go.
Food and drinks. Reminding children to eat good, nourishing foods when they are overwhelmed or confused is really helpful.
During my spoken reflections at the funeral I shared the following:
I was listening to a podcast the other day where renowned astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson was talking about the messages we receive from the stars and the universe. He spoke at length about how the odds of us being born are soo small compared to all the humans that have the potential to be born.
He spoke about how we are made of the same particles as the stars, the sun, animals and insects. And how knowing we will die should inspire us to live in greatness, gentleness, peace, and love.
And it made me think about how amazing it is that we were born and that my life is so blessed to have intersected with Shanna’s.
I truly believe that Shanna’s life intersecting with ours will continue to spark greatness.
That her death is but a moment in the joy and love that she inspired in all of us.
That the love, hugs, and laughter she shared with each of us are now embedded in our DNA, in the DNA of our children, and future generations to come. And that those vibrations enhance the entire universe.
That her life will inspire us to live in more abundant joy, peace, and love.
Oh how I will miss your hugs cousin but you are deeply embedded within my heart and spirit.
Here is to love, healing, and life! Dr. J